You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
