I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
