I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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