you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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