Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
