you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
