I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dicks are not precious.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
