Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the raccoons are back...
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