I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
