why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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