Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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