then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
