i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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