his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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