I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
