I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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