Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I AM VODKA MAN
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
