yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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