The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
