If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize