Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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