Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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