is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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