Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
