I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
