I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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