last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
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I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
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It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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