i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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