I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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