You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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