I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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