Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
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you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
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You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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