At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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