so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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