I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He kissed a someone with a penis
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
