Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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