you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
