i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
porn star boner night. come get it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
