I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I supernannyed him into submission
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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