I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
