his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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