I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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