my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
