She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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