That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
