my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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