I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
