Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
