i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.