Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
