90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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