I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
