I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
