I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
