tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
