Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
