You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
