Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize